Has it Really Been a Year?

Damn! How fast time flies! Can't believe I haven't visited the blogs since last year. Well, I can't close the year without a single post. Oh, what school can do to you.

Was just reading my last post and remembering how depressed I was a year ago. It's true, time does heal all wounds. I am 100% over my ex, the death of my favorite unce and father figure doesn't hurt as much anymore....even my academic performance and finances have improved.

But, I'm still really bad at picking men. I think it's a disease. I keep joking to my family that they need to do one of those arranged marriages for me or else they'll end up with the weirdest in-law they've ever heard of. After all, I am turning 26 in less than 2 months and all my friends seem to be jumping the broom and popping out kiddies like popcorn machines. That little fact hasn't gone unnoticed by my family. Why in the hell would my aunties and grandmas ask me on a monthly basis whether I found a "new catch" (who uses such phrases?) My parents, who were always anti-marriage while in school, are suddenly worried that I'm not being "social" enough. My dad bluntly pointed out to me this past summer that I'll be graduating in less than 3 years and once I add that "Dr." title to my name, it's gonna be exponentially harder to meet eligible men (instinct tells me it'll be the opposite, but with Kenyan men, you never know). One of my aunts is even using phrases like "import a husband from Kenya"....gotta love these people.

All in all, this has been a progressively good year. After having a complete meltdown, the school year ended well, I spent the summer in Kenya doing volunteer service and meeting lots of hot, single, successful men (my love of Kenyan men was forever renewed), my second year in school is more stress-free, and I'm involved enough with community service that I'm finally feeling like my motivated, passionate self again. Even the social scene in this God-forsaken, middle-of-nowhere city has improved and if it wasn't for the lack of family, I might even venture to say I'm kinda starting to like it. Although I'll be damned if I stay here for residency!

And of course, can't forget to thank God for making all this possible. 2008 was a horrible year, 2009 has been a tolerable year, and I hope 2010 will be a successful, purpose-filled (and fulfilled) year. Cheers!

Happy Thanksgiving?

There's no worse feeling in the world than loneliness. Or so it seems. Whenever I get lonely, which seems to be happening more and more often, I tend to do dumb things to try and get over it. Like go on shopping sprees and spend money I don't have. Or start fooling around with a man I wouldn't be caught dead with by my family and friends. Or put off studying in search of more exciting things like parties.

And here I am, once again, sitting at Barnes and Nobles when all my friends have taken flights to go home and visit their families for thanksgiving. Yes. That feeling of loneliness is creeping up on me. I know this because I've been sitting here for 2 hours and rather than study, I've been reading blogs and searching for a good spa to go get a deep tissue massage. This is the first time in my life I've found myself in a city with no relative in site. This is certainly the first time in all the years I've been in the US that I'm spending thanksgiving without my family. And I'm hating it. I could be at home right now, doing grocery shopping with my dad, trying to beat the lines. I could be arguing with my mom over what time we should wake up to start cooking. I could be bossing my brother around to get him to do the cleaning before the rest of the clan shows up tomorrow. My cousins keep calling and asking why I'm not going home for thanksgiving. I'm not immune to the economic mess. Especially after the kind of year I've had. When my dad can't even afford $400 to bring his daughter home for the holidays, you know things are bad. But, I still applaud my parents for all the sacrifices they've made this year to help other family members who've certainly needed the help.

I have a Kenyan friend around here who has a few relatives and they're getting together for thanksgiving tomorrow. I'm invited, yet I feel like I'm intruding on a private family event. Whether or not I go depends on how I feel when the time comes. If I don't go, then I'll just have to rent movies and go on a cooking spree. All my favorite joints will be closed anyway, so I'm doomed to stay at my apartment. What a depressing thought. And on top of that, I'm supposed to average 6-8 hours of studying everyday for the next 5 days. Yet, I can't concentrate. I'm too busy dreaming about summer and trying to come up with a good project so I can spend the entire summer in Kenya rather than make a quick visit and have to come back and work as an intern with some random doctor. I'm too busy missing my family, and eagerly awaiting christmas, the one time I'm gonna see my family on a happy occassion this year where no one is sick or mourning. I can't wait to close out what has been one of the most difficult years of my life thus far. Yes, I have a lot to be thankful for this year, but a lot to be sad about also. Perhaps looking ahead to January 1 can be one more thing to be thankful about. It'll be the beginning of a new year. One, hopefully, filled with new beginnings. Once again, I ask myself what the hell drove me to move so far away for school when I didn't have to. Right now, I can't think of a single good reason. Yes, happy thanksgiving indeed.

Tuesday Blues

It's not Monday, but I'm still singing the blues. What can I say, I'm missing my baby. Or more accurately, I'm getting frustrated with being in a long distance relationship. At first, I didn't wanna even attempt it. Of course, I don't know a single couple that has survived one of these LDR's. More often than not, one person cheats, or the couple drifts so far apart that they wonder what happened. That was my line of reasoning, but somehow, I was ok with giving it a shot. Why not? What was there to lose.

So, here we are. Nine months later. A lot has happened in nine months. Tragedies, sickness, meeting the clan, even a near proposal (that I unknowingly squashed by describing my ideal engagement ring, leading to a postponement of the plan....thank God for brothers who keep you in the loop). When I think about it, he's everything I could possibly want in a man. Of course he's got his weaknesses, namely, I wish he were more ambitious and aggressive. But then, we can't have two such people in a relationship, otherwise, there'll be fireworks daily. Yet, I crave those fireworks.

I feel like I'm simply going through the motions of being a girlfriend. We've talked every single day since I moved, had a few fights too, but nothing we couldn't work out. Now, I don't even initiate the phone calls. When he does call, I find myself getting impatient and wondering how fast I can get him off the phone. Lately, I've found myself wondering when was the last time we shared a good laugh, or had a good conversation. I can't remember. I consciously made a decision that will lead to my not to seeing him this summer, choosing instead to put my family first. Perhaps it's the stress of the last few months that's taking its toll, or maybe the looming life and death surgery of my favorite uncle that's got me distracted. Whatever it is has really done me in this time. I've always been positive that the two of us would somehow end up together, yet I find myself questioning if I really wanna make that commitment. All evidence screams "yes", but still...

On another side note, anyone ever been to a Nonini concert? Wanna venture an opinion? I'm on a mission to meet more Kenyans in this city (although I'll admit that a Nonini concert is probably not the place to go looking for friends). But, I'm not looking to make friends as much as I'm looking for party friends. I don't understand the American bar culture. At least I can dance at a club, but none of my new friends seem to enjoy the clubbing scene. I find this strange as it is the complete opposite of what I'm used to. Before I moved here, I'd never been inside a bar. Anyway, back to Nonini concert, is it worth attending?

Life Sure Ain't a Bed of Roses

I just looked at my last post and it seems like that post was written a decade ago. I still can't believe it's only been five months since the year started on a sour note politically and spiralled downhill from there in my own personal life. While I was posting about blogging responsibly and trying to get together my friends and family to donate to the victims of election violence, I had no idea that my own family was about to fall victim to the sudden violence that creeped up on us. From there, it was one piece of bad news after another. I will probably get to blog about some of it in the coming weeks.

Amid all the tribulations, I can still look back and be thankful that things were not worse. I was afraid that I would somehow lose my spot in med school after my grades went south due to all the personal ish I was trying to deal with, but I do thank God that somehow, I made it through and will be matriculating in August. Another lesson learnt: never underestimate the power of love, be it from family, friends, or a lover. It makes all the difference in the world.

Special thanks to the few concerned bloggers that sent me emails wondering where I disappeared off to. I'm back now. My posts might be a little intermittent, but they'll be there nonetheless!