The Saga Continues...Final Episode (for real)

After the whole break up and make up, Steve and I were pretty cool for a couple of weeks. Very lovey-dovey, calling each other upto four times a day, using the L-word more often and the love making was definitely different. Unfortunately, in my blind anger and hurt after we broke up, I changed my entire work schedule so that I could work evenings. The thought of going to study at a coffeeshop after work, alone, killed me, so I thought I'd just start a different routine. Of course that worked for the four days Steve and I broke up, but after we got back together, that's become the biggest issue in our relationship. We just don't see each other much anymore coz our schedules are totally opposite. One positive thing is that it's given us a chance to try out quickies over lunch and well...they're quickies. They do put a smile on my face all evening at work, especially on days where I can't get off until 1 a.m. On really bad nights, we will even have phone sex, but nothing beats the real deal.

Last week, I was in a particularly good mood and decided to do something I always swore I would never do, especially if I somehow end up becoming rich/famous and some guy tries to blackmail me (yes, I do have high ambitions, but they do not involve politics or becoming another silly celeb.)

One night I was bored so I decided to play with my camera phone. I took photos of myself semi- naked, and I was wearing one particularly sexy thong with red lips across the crotch and the word "kiss" printed on it (no, I'm not gonna post a pic to illustrate this!) The next day while Steve and I were having lunch, I showed him the photos I'd taken using my phone, and I somehow felt guilty for teasing him in that way. We both had to go to work, and he was very disappointed when I told him to forget what he was thinking about. The next night I was off and over at his house, I asked him if we could exchange phones so we could take sexy photos of ourselves. I don't remember why I wouldn't let him take the photos of me, but I think in retrospect, I do know what I wanted to do at the back of my mind.

So there I was, alone in his room, with his current cell phone. Why the hell was I so obsessed with his phone? I took off my top and took a picture of my bare tummy and my sexy red bra. Steve loves my stomach and he's always joking (?) that I should get a navel ring, so I was sure to take plenty of pictures from different angles (which aren't that many if you're taking the pictures yourself). Then I took off my jeans and tried to make as sexy a pose as I could and take photos of my legs only, another part of my body that Steve loves. I wasn't exactly trying to make soft porn here, so I decided not to strip completely, just in case the photos landed in the wrong hands. I looked at the album to make sure that the photos turned out ok, and pretty soon, started looking at all the other photos in the album. They were mostly him and his adorable little angel of a girl.

Then a thought occured to me. Why not check the text messages and see if that same chick had been sending any freaky messages lately? Once again, I knew it was wrong and I shouldn't, but it was too late. My mind had thought it and my hands had no choice but to obey. And so I found myself digging through his outbox. I was more interested in what he'd written. He had over 200 messages (WTF? My stupid Verizon phone can only store a maximum of 50 messages. Switch over to Sprint?) I smiled as most of the messages were sent to me and miscellaneous family members.

Then came the "I love you but I'm afraid you're cheating on me" followed by "I still want to make you my wife". My heart rate quickened and I quickly closed the phone. Even though the messages were sent before I met him, we'd had the "ex-girlfriends ex-boyfriends" talk multiple times before and he'd never mentioned nothing about proposing to any of the chicks he'd dated. Then I heard him come up the stairs and his voice came floating into the room. He walked over and showed me his final product: very impressive. He went through college on an athletic scholarship, so he has the best abs I've ever seen in real life. His killer abs were splayed all over my phone and the V leading to the groin was sexily displayed. I couldn't help but think of Usher in a towel. He was impressed enough with my photos, but that didn't make me happy. I had other things on my mind.

Should I mention that once again, I'd looked at his messages? Fuck it, I can't deal with the guilt so I might as well. Before I could say anything, he was kissing my stomach and all thought evaporated from my brain. Way later, as we lay on the bed cuddling, I fessed up about looking at his messages. I didn't tell him exactly what I read, I didn't feel the need to at the time. I'm not sure what reaction I was expecting, but calmness wasn't it. He simply stared ahead for a long moment before declaring "No point getting mad now, is there? It's not gonna solve anything". So I just sat there like a fool and wanted to die of guilt. There wasn't much talking that night or the days that followed, but we tried to be civil.

No matter how hard I tried, I could not get the text messages out of my mind. Thinking I was gonna explode, I decided to ask him about the girl on Monday. Big mistake on my part, I did it over the phone after we'd come back from watching "The Departed" (awesome movie for those that haven't watched it). This time, his anger took me by surprise. He actually raised his voice an octave higher and totally told me off. Of course I deserved it, but it hurt so bad when he told me I had no right to violate his privacy (something I already knew). He hang up on me. I was very mad myself and wondered why he was getting pissed now and not a week earlier when I'd actually gone through his messages and told him about it. Who the fuck was this girl? Was I being taken for a ride? How could I have been so stupid and let myself fall in love with him? He did say they were still friends (yes, I'd read the name of the girl and he had never mentioned that name before when he discussed ex-girls. If he'd proposed to her, why the hell hadn't he mentioned her?)

I sat there fuming, and not wanting to write anything in my journal, I decided to join KBW and tell total strangers about it. I was miserable all week and didn't know what to do with myself. My work schedule was hectic and he was pretty busy himself, so there was no way we could meet before Friday. I'll be damned if I wait that long! He called again and left a pretty angry message. This time I knew I'd crossed the line.

I went to talk to him today. I was so scared, I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours. I was pretty sure he was going to break up with me again. I went to pick him up from his work place so we could go for lunch. The minute I saw him walk across the parking lot, my heart melted as usual. He was so HOT! I decided that I would just apologize profusely until he forgave me. No way in hell were we breaking up. The only thing I needed was to hear who the hell that chick was. Steve's a pretty honest person, and I knew he would tell me the truth. As long as there was nothing sexual or remotely romantic going on, I could live with it. But he'd already made it clear that he didn't trust me anymore. Admirably, I'd managed to avoid telling my girlfriends about this latest discovery because I knew they would no doubt convince me that he was cheating on me (or was it cheating WITH me?) and once my mind believed that, it would be hard to trust him. If I didn't trust him, I couldn't date him. That much I was sure.

The minute he entered my car, his face lit up in a smile and he gave me a big wet kiss on the cheek and I couldn't help but smile back. We simply sat there, and pretty soon, we both started bitching about work. After a long time, it was clear neither of us was interested in lunch, so we continued to sit in the parking lot and talk. Miraculously, he decided that even though I'd violated his privacy, he'd come to the conclusion that it wasn't that big of a deal because I would probably have been looking at his stuff if we lived together. All the same, he was disappointed that I turned out to be as insecure as the other girls he knew, and that surprised him coz he'd always thought I was different (yeah, thanks for making me feel like a total bitch). He then went on to explain about the girl and as it turned out, he'd actually told me about her once during my long drive home while he attempted to keep me awake. Oh yeah! Now I remembered. He'd never mentioned her name though, so how was I supposed to know that was her?

All the same, we're still together and after work on Friday (I'm off, thank God), we're gonna just chill, talk, give each other full body massages to unwind, and probably have more wild, passionate sex. What can I say, Steve's crazier than I am for even continuing to be with me. I just keep worrying about how I'm gonna fuck it all up next. He needs to give me a break though, I'm experiencing emotions I've never experienced before and I don't know what to do with these emotions. ***THE END***

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Ok, this post is way too long, I'll stay away for the weekend. If you read this far, wow! I'm impressed. Thanks for stopping by, have a great weekend :)