Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Do You Believe...?

You wake up one Sunday (or Saturday) morning after a night of partying and you don't feel tired at all. Unlike a normal weekend where you would have spent half the day in bed and the other half lazing around the house, you feel strangely energized and a sudden urge overcomes you. Somehow, you feel that you have to go to church. After all, it's only 9:00 in the morning and you haven't been to church in a few weeks. The longer you sit there debating it, the guiltier you feel about missing church all those weeks, and the stronger the urge to do something different for a change.

So you jump in the shower, pull out that modest dress you keep at the back of your closet for this occassion, go online and google a church. There are lots of churches that jump out at you and you randomly choose one, not because it's the nearest one, but because it's on a road you've heard of. By 10:30, you're ready to head out and hoping to make it to the 11:00 service.

You get to church fifteen minutes late and try to find a seat at the back, near the aisle, so you can slip out when the preacher starts getting boring. At least you'll still feel nice that you made it to church, even if it was only for an hour. Unfortunately for you, all the aisle seats are taken so you squeeze in between old ladies, miffed that you can't easily escape. You resolve to simply daydream when you get bored and suffer through the entire service. After all, it's only two hours.

Soon, the familiar ritual starts: announcements, song, prayer, song, offerings & tithes, song...right about now, you start thinking about what to do in the afternoon. You're only five minutes away from the mall, so you could go shopping right after service and call one of your friends to join you. Just as you're picturing that sexy pair of jeans you were gonna buy from Express, you hear someone sniffling.

You look up to find the choir leader in the process of introducing the song they're about to sing and all of a sudden she's overcome by bouts of crying...something about her best friend hurting her deeply. You roll your eyes and wonder why people always tell their life stories, especially when service is already running late. You look at the time: 12:45. Damn! The preaching hasn't even started. You're about to continue your shopping spree in your head when all of a sudden, some elderly lady takes the pulpit and proclaims, "The Holy Spirit is present here today".

Oh! Crap! You look around and everyone is either sniffling or their eyes are shining. You start wondering whether now would be a good time to make that escape, but then you realize you're stuck in the middle of the pew and can't exactly slip out unnoticed. You silently curse and try your hardest to block out what's happening. You've never been a big fan of stuff like this and you simply don't function very well in an emotionally charged environment, be it due to the "Holy Spirit", at a funeral, or whatever.

There's an eerie silence in the church. Even the piano is no longer playing in the background. That same old lady looks right at you and says, "The Holy Spirit impressed upon me to come up here and deliver a message from God..." You start freaking out because you realize that the lady still has her eyes fixed on you. "...there's a young lady here today who underwent some childhood trauma and has been struggling all her life..." By this time you are completely hyperventilating. "....and God wants you to know that...." The old lady's eyes are still trained on you and you feel blood rushing to your head and you're about to pass out. You tell yourself to stop being silly and try to prevent yourself from fainting, because you most certainly will. By the time that feeling passes, you realize that the lady has gotten off the podium. Worse yet, you didn't hear that last part of her message. You convince yourself that she was crazy, and even if she weren't, she was totally talking about someone else. I mean, how many young ladies are there in that whole church?

You spend the next hour trying to block out what you heard, but the voice in your head keeps nudging you what? Find the lady and ask her what on earth she was talking about? As soon as service is over, you walk out, trying to make yourself invisible and head straight to your car. You forget all about the mall, head straight home, and vow never to go back to that church again. In a few days, you'll have convinced yourself that nothing ever happened.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Too Much Hype

Have you ever waited so long to try out something because it seemed like the rest of the world had already tried it out and loved it and you were the only one left out? Have you ever gone to a super hyped up movie expecting the world to explode into fireworks, only to come out disappointed and wondering why you even bothered?

Well, that was me today. It had nothing to do with a movie though. I was talking to Steve on the phone and by the time I hang up, I was so horny I could have simply creamed myself without trying. I was lying in bed, sexually frustrated, when I suddenly remembered that somewhere deep in my yet to be unpacked suitcase lay a vibrator that Steve had gotten me as a going away present. I have never in my life used one, although I know plenty of chicks who have. I'm not sure why I've never owned one myself, but from all the hype surrounding the little toy, I've always wondered if it really is as good as it sounds.

I looked around my apartment, only to realize that I didn't have batteries. I was too horny to give up so I decided to go to the gas station across the street and get some. As I put the batteries in, my heartrate increased ten fold and I could barely contain my excitement. Finally, I was holding a vibrator in my hand and I was about to experience an earth shattering orgasm. Perhaps I could even have multiple orgasms for the first time in my life! A fleeting thought crossed my mind: what if I become addicted? What if it's so good that I never wanna have normal intercourse again? As I adjusted the speed on that vibrator, all thoughts evaporated and the only thing I wanted to do was close my eyes and prepare myself to go to heaven.

Ok, I realize this blog is rated G so let me skip the details. But, I have never been so disappointed in my life. First of all, the so called vibrations feel as though someone has a stick in there and is shaking it up and down, only there's not enough room to shake the stick. And the orgasm is no different than normal masturbation...nothing like the real deal. So how anyone can even become addicted to a vibrator is beyond me. I had to call Steve and let him know that I still prefer the real thing. All he could do was laugh, I'm not sure if it was out of pure amusement or relief that his girlfriend would still be horny when he came to visit.

So, if you're one of those chicks that's never used a vibrator and have always wondered what it feels like, believe me, there's nothing you're missing. And for the guys that are even remotely concerned about their chicks using a vibrator, really, there's no competition there.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

I had forgotten just how much I hate moving until I had to this past weekend, and it has been hell. The damn landlord was supposed to change the carpet and re-do the tiles and get me a new fridge before I moved in on Monday, but none of that happened. In fact, I ended up moving into my apartment on Tuesday, only to discover that not only did I not have my new fridge and floor, but the apartment had not been cleaned. I had to spend the night at a friend's house and I started orientation classes today. I came in to dump all my stuff in my apartment and I can't unpack until I scrub it spotless (I am borderline OCD so the clutter is driving me nuts).

On the other hand, the city ain't so bad. I haven't had much time to explore, but I like the atmosphere. Everyone in my program is really nice and I even bumped into a med student I did research with three years ago and he made my day. Steve and I are handling the separation really well, all things considered (but of course it's only been a few days). He's shopping for a ticket to come visit at the end of the month and I hope things work out with both our schedules.

It's so weird to be sitting back in a classroom. In fact, those guys are so cruel, they gave us a biochem test on our first day. It made me remember just how much I hated sitting still and listening to someone drone on and on, but at the same time, I remembered how much I'd missed the student lifestyle. I'm so glad I decided to defer my med school admission for a year so I could do this postbac program. For sure, I would have had a rough time adjusting to the fast pace of med school after working full time for so long. Now, it would be nice if I bumped into a few Kenyans on campus, hoping they don't turn out to be of dubious character.