What Breed is THIS?!

Now, in my short lifetime, I've had the (mis)fortune of meeting men that are truly from Mars, although sometimes I do wonder if some of these creatures haven't mutated and become totally new aliens, even to their fellow Martians. Seriously, what kinds of men do these things? Take for example Mr. Desperate. I had a semester long class with him and aside from acknowledging each other as the only two black students in that class, we didn't have much else in common and to that effect, we never hang out outside of class. Even in class, only polite words were exchanged. So imagine my surprise when at the end of the semester, the guy decides to propose. Yes! PROPOSE!! And he wasn't kidding. No! He was dead serious and he had a ring(a cheap one, but that's beside the point) and even went ahead to give me this long speech about how beautiful, smart, yadda yadda yadda I am. I was so shocked, I simply stared and didn't say a word.

Then there's Mr. Manipulator. When I met him, he seemed cool enough. He was an army sergeant so my first thought was "at least he's disciplined". Everything was going great on the first couple of dates. He was funny, charming, smart, etc. The first sign of trouble came two weeks later when he picked me up from school and his first question was "You didn't go to class looking like that, did you? Cuz I'm the only one that should be seeing your fine booty." Ok! I was wearing capris and a tank top...big freakin' deal. The next day, he went out and bought me an expensive (and by expensive, I mean EXPENSIVE) diamond necklace, which I promptly returned. That's when his true colors came out. He started throwing a tantrum like a 2-year-old and I decided to break up with him. Little did I know that I had just exposed myself to a stalker. He started calling me and begging me to give him a chance, threatened to kill himself, and even said he was being deployed to Iraq so I should give him a reason to go off and fight and come back alive. Of course the calls were ignored. Then I would find him outside my apartment and he would cry and cry and cry and make more suicide threats. I filed a complaint with the police, but since my lease had expired anyway, I moved to a different apartment and switched my cell number. He still managed to track me down, but thank God for restraining orders!

But the one who wins it all is Mr. Desperate-Weirdo. Now this one, our moms were classmates in high school. He must, therefore, feel like he has a divine right to me or something. To a casual observer, he is smart (let me add "very" for effect), very BOOK smart. We somehow found ourselves travelling down the same career path and he took this to be a God-sent sign that he and I were meant to be. Nothing remotely romantic has ever happened between us, but he has never made his "love" for me secret. He even goes around telling people that he and I are dating and we're gonna get married when we're done with med school. Did I mention how much I loathe this guy? He has done and said a lot of inappropriate and offensive things and no matter how much I try to tell him to leave me alone, he just doesn't get it. The fact that our parents are such good friends makes it that much harder to get rid of him. Despite all the weird stuff he's ever done (including calling my parents to request a meeting to discuss dowry...yeah, dude's on crack), nothing beats his latest BS. He called me early in the morning to tell me about a dream he had. This dream happens to be erotic and the idiot proceeded to start narrating the details of our supposed sex act. I did cut him short and was so mortified that I couldn't help but wonder if he's NORMAL. Really, what kind of guys go around telling girls they're not dating that they've been fantasizing and jerking off on their account? Maybe Martians can enlighten this poor Venusian on these things, or do you also think these guys are mutants?